It kinda does a number on my head that I began this ragtag, somewhat scatterbrained little blog with 2011’s year-end review. I look back at those entries bemused, because much of what went right or wrong in 2012 is the same as what went right and wrong back then.
Time is weird. The poet Ben Johnson calls time an “old bald cheater”.
I like that. I get that. You’re alive, right? You must have experienced that haunting feeling you’re being cheated out of your own life. My pastor says that our need for sleep is one of the most humbling things about being human and not gods, and I couldn’t agree more. We are bound in time, bound to need sleep, and tragically we often may as well be sleeping through our waking hours. Time gets away from us, and suddenly a year has passed and you’re furrowing your brows, wondering how exactly twelve months are just gone.
And what a gnarly twelve months this has been! There has been so much good, so much beauty and truth. This has been one of the most humbling years I’ve ever had. These last couple of days I’ve been replaying little events, little memories that creep in unannounced that I know, someday, I’ll just forget because they’re really that tiny. It’s the driving around at night blasting “Starships” in Perth, it’s getting into the Lumineers concert for free, its Thanksgiving dinner feeling like a last supper before my baby brother went into rehab, its sitting on the kitchen floor with my beautiful roommates when my old best friend was murdered, talking and drinking and weeping into the early morning hours, its that trembling awareness in the dried up lake in Australia; ‘my god, I’m actually here and this is actually my life’.
This year. 2012. We’re at the end of it now and I’m sitting here, with my coffee and Gregory Ivan Isakov singing about the moon, and I think ‘ah, so this was twenty-one.’
Do you want the truth? The truth is I’m not sure what I’m doing, with this blog or with this life. I’m going to review this year in two parts, the way I did it last year, with what went right and what went wrong. And then we’ll look ahead at 2013.