Take two. I literally just wrote up a whole post and accidentally deleted it. Fail!
That’s actually fine though; this is a quickie.
I wanted to let you, Reader, know that I had a moment today. You know those moments. You do. The ones where you are going about your own business and then realize something really personally profound. I causes introspection and melancholy for a good chunk of the day following.
What happened is that I started thinking about camping at Wedge Point, how fun it was, how beautiful and life-threatening (oh yes, I will tell that one), and I felt something akin to despair when I thought about how I’d lost my camera fifteen minutes after arriving at the beach. There is no evidence of my night there, of off-roading and the campfire.
And then…wait…evidence?!? wtf?
Shouldn’t the focus be more on experiencing this, than capturing evidence of it?
Enter moment-climax. I, embarrassingly enough, find myself making choices and taking pictures not for my own heartfelt reasons or my own pleasure, but to impress an unknown people whom I assume are somewhere out there keeping score of my life. I want them to like me. I want them to think I’m cool.
I don’t even know them.
So friends, in stubborn refusal to keep living for my phantom audience, I am no longer posting photos to a Facebook album. I’ll put a few on here, and the occasional wall post, but I’ll worry about albums with quirky titles when I get back to states.
Please tell me I’m not the only crazy who experiences this. Please tell me you’re trying to show off to your own imaginary crowd, too. And please tell me your coping mechanisms, how to fight the urge to be impressive.
I would like to be free from trying to prove anything. I would like to just be. I don’t need to broadcast myself. I didn’t spend $2,000 on a plane ticket to half-experience my destination. I didn’t take this trip for anyone to think I was more exciting or more interesting. I’m here because I think the world is really cool and I want to see a lot of it. I did this to experience some of the beauty and diversity He must have so enjoyed creating. I did this to escape the rut I was trudging into back home. I think I did this because I was jaded and bored, and because I don’t have much direction in life.
I’m learning why I did this as I go along.
And you know what? I’m loving the process. I’m learning how to let go. I’m learning freedom from the tyranny being impressive.
I’ve got nothing to prove.